Hippy new what?

This is not good, the beans are running around again, some Hippy's got a new ear, eh? who, what.
I have a bad feeling about this. The last time the beans flapped and screeched like this about crumble I ended up being locked up for most of the day, not good.
Today though, I'm having a ball, I've met two new fish pokers, Harry the little bean and his big bean dad, they had some nice snacks so we just chilled for a while, munching, chatting and stuff, then little Harry bean went mad and started splashing and squacking and jumping just because he'd poked a big fish. Everyone was hooting and oohing and aahing and flashing picture boxes, boy you beans are weird.
Anyway, a Hippy with a new ear, I'm worried and I overheard a bean say they'd like whirled peas for the Hippy's new ear. Man do I need some curly underweed and a bit of giddy goosing.

Big baby duck longest day

The bright is slowly getting back to the big baby duck longest day, the day they are all grown up and become smashed for the first time. It's a tradition going back to the day of Baba Yaga and the very first egg. Until the long bright day comes the babies are not allowed to munch on the special curly underweed, it's only when they become of age can they indulge in this head enhancing treat. Any earlier and their little brainies would melt and they'd start acting like gooses. That would never do.

Can you find me mate, Hamlet Winkle the four hundred and seventh, the Robin in this pic? He's the bird that rules Sniggs, the one who's teaching me how to twerp properly. Don't get me started on bird names, man that's some weird tradition. He likes pizza too.

It's been hard

I know it's been hard, it's been hard for all of us. It happens every year about this time, it's a time of great sorrow, I know we are all together, bonding in our feeling of despair and hopelessness. It's not going to get better quickly but we all know that she'll return, so we all cling on to that faint hope. Countdown will be back soon and Carol will be grabbing me vowels and messing with me numbers. Miss you baby, big squacks from the Dunc.

Bit of joy, I know you beans miss this but the bright time is getting bigger, a few bits each day, it'll be breeding season soon, boy I'm a happy bunny so to speak.

Englebert Humperduck

A famous story from over a hundred years ago, told by Englebert, about two small beans, Emma and Archie who got lost in a wood, well not lost, they were led there by Snowy White. She left these poor beans to the mercy of a gingerman and a spitfur that wears boots, but anyways, to get shortly back here, this is a magical bit from the story as told by old Humperduck. The names have been changed to protect Archie and Emma.

"Little duck, little duck, dost thou see,
Hansel and Gretel are waiting for thee?
There's never a plank, or bridge in sight,
Take us across on thy back so white."

We're all descended from that duck, well I know I am, you may not be quite as evolved. Cool story though. 

sqummin' the Floyd

Oh happy beans, up early, still late in duck time, but I'm in the mud searching for nargles and fimdoes, scrummy, they'd be great on pizza.

I'm sitting here sqummin' Pink Floyd (Animals, in case you're wondering, and I know you are; and yes, I'm finding it to be better than I remembered, though not on par with DSOTM or WYWH). Sheepsie is a cool song and I've got lots of big fluffy sheepsies in the next solid area, I don't think they can swim but they look like they may be making baby sheepsies. Mammals, I just don't understand.

So, I had a fab day and stayed out in the dark which is still a bit spooky but my fave mini bean came to get me, so, yes, nargles, fimdoes, weed, life is good.

I'll tell you about Englebert Humperduck tomorrow.

A Pox on your day

The beans have gone all woozy on me, I remember this from my student days. After a heavy black beer, mushrooms and brownie session, man we'd go Humphry for days. I thought these beans were a bit more sensible than that. But no, they're just as bad with their Poxing day, man that sounds weird. Anyways, I spend a few hours on the big wet and a few hours in the bean nest facing up to the spit furs, scheesh, these furries need to have a brownie.

It's Crumble Day

The beans are going crazy, something is happening, I don't know what but I caught a glimpse of a tree in the bean nest with lots of shiny, glittery things that obviously means a lot to beans but nothing to us canards, we like weed, lots of weed.

This is actually a special day for us too. We celebrate this day for the birth of Englebert Humperduck, back in 1893, in bean years, and the famous stories he told on ponds all over the world. I was telling this tale to these fish pokers the other day and I'll tell it to you tomorrow.

 Anyway today seems to be a special day for birds everywhere, the fish pokers on my water this morning were saying how much they were looking forward to a lovely big bird when they got back home, what nice beans you are.

Hippy Crumble to all and to all a good flight.

Big squacks from Duncs the Crumble duck.

Hippy Crumble

OK, did a bit of ranting, calm down Dunco, calm down, visualise Carol, Carol sorting a really cool number problem with just her bean brain, slowly, OK, breathe, calm, slow, Carol, OK, we're good, we're good.

Something is afoot dear bean, something is happening, methinks it is a Hippy Crumble. I'm 

sure I've had a Hippy brownie from some bean called Alice B something or other which made me stare at the night sky. I'm pretty sure I've not had a Hippy Crumble but the beans keep saying this over and over, I'll sort it, you'll be the first to know.

You kill my brothers and sisters

Hey, I'm confused donchaknow, we had beans in the fields next to Ruddy, with furry barks and fire sticks, this is, err, a little difficult for me to ask, do some of you beans get horny killing wild birds, well do ya punk, do you get a little stiffy as you kill my brothers and sisters, does it make you feel important, does it make you feel a real big man bean, does it, well does it punk.

You tune in here for my thoughts so I'm gonna give them to you. Creatures that kill for fun are unique in the history of our little world, you beans are the only ones, you even kill other beans for pleasure, sheesh I'm glad I'm a duck. Just to make sure our little water is safe I've posted armed rodents at every entry point . . . . respect him, he's pissed with a 12 bore most of the time, you met him today, fookin' mad as a second cousin, once removed.
Nice caps boys.
Bite me baby one more time.

Hit me baby, three more times

Head bean is moaning that my little blog is getting a lot more hits than Ruddy Pond.

Bwaaa, bwaaa, he goes, three times as many visitors, over 2000 hits in two weeks and almost 200 profile views, man he's pissed. Bwaaa, bwaaa, listen my head beano, it's simple, my blog is cool, edgy and up to date, yours is rubbish, boring and always a few days behind. Big bean visitors to the Dunc, big squacks to you, you know who's making the hot news on the webbed. If you want to get him really mad hit the digg button, muchos grassyass.

Ruddy doesn't have cool pics like this water duck and head bean has no idea what is happening under his water, only us frisky canards can view the full picture.

Got any bread.

Some people think us duckos have no sense of humour, well how wrong are you, in the avian comic standup world competition I'm a close second, just behind Eddie Buzzard, what, no, never, you haven't heard of our surreal, cross dressing big Buzz, he's a superstar in the pond world. No really, I'll dig out some stuff on pondtube, you'll be amazed.

So me in second place, what can I do, how about the joke I told that made me fail, OK, here it is . .
One day there was a duck at the bar and he asked if he could get some bread and the bartender said he didn't have any but the duck asked again and he said no.

Got any bread.

NO.


Got any bread.


NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!


Got any bread.


Don't you get it, no spells no and if you don't shut up I'll nail your beak to the bar.


Got any nails.


No.


Got any bread.

Whaaaah, why didn't I win.

Peace and pot noodles

Dunco xxxx

PS the pic is of me telling jokes to the bunch, the puddles joke went down well.

The natives are revolting.

Boy they are a touchy lot this bunch of nerdowell duckers.
Straight over to the beans house all squalky and squelky, moaning about the Dunc.
I can't help it if people travel far and further to see me, to be in the presence of el Dunco, to hear tales of my life as a libertine, to gain a sense of childlike wonder as they watch me glide majestically up and down the icy waters and to feed me pizza.
I think what actually upset them the most was that I've now got my own email address, now they all want one, well sorry my malodourous bunch, there's only room for one big head on this water and that's mine.

eldunco(at)mac(dot)com, read it and weep flappers.

Just found cowsie

When I'm loose, I'm loose, the pond is my duckdom and I rule with a benevolent wing, all creatures are created equal under the Dunc., except the tasty ones, they're just so lunch. 

Hi Ennjay, big squacks to you baby, later OK! 

So mammals, wot they all about then, eeuw, milk and eggs that hatch inside, waaaagh.  

Anyway, I've met a few and on the whole they seem OK, in the barn I met a cowsie, big, and, how can I put this . . . . very active in the rear department, very dangerous for a pure white duck, trust me.

In the field I met a sheepsie, fluffy little bundles but as daft as canard in commando.

I still havn't seen a goatsie, can't wait.

That twirping robin

So I'm getting a bit cocky, not only am I the biggest duck on this here water, I'm also the best looking. I mean those mallard blokes spend half the year going commando, looking just like the girlies, I mean, what's that all about, transvestite canards, phuleese.

Get a grip fellas, no wonder all the girlie ducks are going quackity

 quack quack when el Dunco glides past munchin' on some weed.This is now that I've actually mastered gliding and stopped

 spinning in circles and well er, sinking.  I've only got eyes for one, me and Ennjay, boy we're gonna make some sweet music. I hope she likes curry noodles and countdown.

I need to find a friendly robin or sparrow to teach me how to twirp, cos as you all know, if you can't twirp a lady properly, you

 shouldn't be in the game.

(tech bit here, I know all the posts say Saturday, there is a reason for this but I've no idea what it is, I hope this helps)

My new mates

I'm bobbin' along on the crest of a wave when something, la te da something, as Bill Withers once sang.

I'm chatting with my new best buddies about this and that and this again when this little mallard cutie catches my eye. Wow, she's a looker, I try to get to know her a little better and her bad ass mate comes in a flappin' and a squirking, damn little punk. I act cool, like el Dunco always does and winked in a knowingly winky way.

She's mine and she knows it. Her name is Ennjay, she was a showduck, with yellow feathers in her hair and a crop cut down to there.

That's not her real name by the way, duck names are so complicated and spoken at such high pitch that a bean like you would have bleeding head holes if I yelled her duckie nom de etang.

And, just a thought . . . Bill Withers can't be his real name, can it?, eeuw, sounds nasty.

tis a farfar better place

Listen, you beans that poke fish with a stick, a little word in your head holes. Bread, phoot, little yellow thingies, double phoot. I'm a student duck, living in digs, in a smoky atmosphere, boy we munched a lot.

But, and here's the flap, it was real tasty food, pizza, chips, smash, beans and the most delicious manna of all, curry pot noodle, preferably while we all watched Carol.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

But here, on Ruddy 'tis a farfar better place than I have ever known.

(I think a farfar is a small savoury snack made from chickens)

I'm off me beak

I'm in my house, or Chez Dunk as we call it, in the cold, feeling a bit nervous, it's my first time all alone after all and the night is drawing in.

All of a sudden, boom, I'm in the water, it's freezing, it's dark, it's fantastic. I've no idea how it happened but it did, man this place is trippy.

Being a much more evolved creature than you beans we can see very well in the dark so I'm having a ball. My name is being shouted but I'm keeping low, I'm eating so much weed I'm off me beak. Weeeeeeeeeeque.

OK, they found me, I play hard to get but eventually I'm hoiked out of my new playground, don't worry . . . . 'I'll be back' as Noel Edmunds once said.

the great escape

Hey beans, you gotta chew on this one. El Dunco does the impossible, read on.
It's a long walk from my incarceration in the porch to the sweet tasty water freedom that is Ruddy, but we must walk the walk that walk we must, er walk.

Hey we hit the pond, Brian is poking fish with a big stick, I try out my new 'no head' look and I have to say Brian is quite impressed, he may not look it but I know he is.
I think I'm in the new house, I hope I am.
I'm in, or am I? Things get a bit weird just after darkness falls. All will be told next post.

My strangest day, ever.

I think I need to explain how I got here, just here, at this point, at this point in time, in Ruddy. Anyway, I hatched, I was picked on a whim and I ended up as a student plaything.
Hey, I'm not complaining, life was good, not a lot of paddle, but lots of cool food and daytime TV and pot noodles. The books they left, hey they were cool, I can read well, turning the pages is the prob. but I was read to a lot.
I ended up in an animal rescue center and the good bods at Ruddy picked me up. I was getting along just fine when Loz said tell it like it is Duncan, give me the real duck.
This is why I have this blog, me and Loz
Big pics and news on Thursday
xx
PS That stain on the floor was nothing to do with me, I think a cat did it.

Lookin' for my mates

I can't be doing with these stupid birds, they don't know what "I'll have an e please Bob" actually means, they just don't get daytime TV. This pond is full of creatures that haven't even heard of Carol Vorderman, man I'm going to order lots of little banjos for Christmas pressies here.

All the birds on this water seem to think they may be trapped, eaten by a fox thing, or, and this is the weirdest, killed while flying by little lumps of lead fired from a stick held by a bean. Bro I can't believe this, you want to kill us for pleasure, you want to kill me or my kin for fun, how low does your IQ go. listen, sell the fire sticks, buy a banjo and be friendly with your cousins.

Namaste XX

Just who is cowsie??

Bob and countdown

OK Day two, and we're off for a bit of a splash again, you have no idea how fantastic it is to have a bob on newly oiled feathers, neither do I, this feather oiling is going to take a while, I still have to paddle like a manky mallard just to keep looking cool. Hey, look at the pics., I'm doing a great job.

Could this place be Mandalay? I only ask because last night I dreamt I went there again, sweet.

Plenty of other beaked water birds flitting in and out of the big green plants, me, being a house duck just can't relate to these wild and rather uneducated creatures. I tried to talk about how much I enjoy deal or no deal and the excitement of a good episode of countdown and these beaky brethren just squalk, spit, poo and flap off. I mean what the hell am I going to do here.

I think my only hope is the peep with the pointy fish stick, lets hope we get more of them.

That sinking feeling

Look, I'm a house duck, I wasn't prepared for deep water, for one thing the oil that oozes out of me beak now has a purpose. I thought it was a long running cold but as I was slowly sinking in fifteen feet of water I realised I had to tar me feathers, so to speak, man life is strange.

Sheesh, the big feet make sense now, they kept me up and once I'd got the hang of the paddling thing I was off, showing off to this bloke Terry who was eating fish with a big stick.

Two blokes were building a new duck house, could they mean me, I hope not, it's freaking cold at night.

Please believe me when I say I honestly can't remember how I got stuck in the water in the ditch by the road in the dark. Being hoiked out with a fish landing net wasn't pretty, the porch suddenly seemed a cosy place to be.

Going to investigate the neighbours in the morning.

The first full day

I was locked in the porch for the night, for my own safety apparently. Listen peeps, 'aint nothing in this neck of the woods that the Dunc can't handle. Quick flap of the wings and boom, the cat is freaked, quick mega stretch and squack and the dog is gone, boom. Don't mess with el Dunco baby.

Much talk of a pond walk later on, I've no idea what they mean, I'll let you know.

Ha, what an amazing event, quite emotional, I've retired to my porch for the evening to go over the proofs of my happy day. I'll post them in the morning, I'm gonna dream dreams only a happy duck can dream, a duck that's discovered deep water.

The Dunc meets Ruddy

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us. . . . . OK, I expect most of you didn't expect a ducks blog to open like that.
Perhaps you thought it would be more like this.
"But Noodynaady's actual ingrate tootle is of come into the garner mauve and thy nice are stores of morning and buy me a bunch of iodines."
That actually sounds more like a goose called Judy, more on her later.
It is hour one on the Ruddy Pond, well not actually on the pond as that's freakin' cold, wet and windy. I managed to waddle back with the beans, give them my cute waggely bum wiggle and before you know it I'm in the kitchen, which as you know, is where I belong, toasty warm.

This bunch seem a bit of a pushover.